The Kindness Tree

THE BEGINNING OR THE END?

As the New Year approaches, there is a sense of urgency to start anew. Set goals, give up bad habits, commit to your best effort in the year to come.

What if you do not have such clarity? What if you don’t feel up for the challenge?
What if you aren’t finished with 2009?

What if, what if, what if ……

I enter 2010 with an internal struggle between what feels like a sense of loss and simultaneously a sense of gain. My children are all growing into adulthood and moving in different directions.  Our tight family “circle” is in a clear state of metamorphosis. My career goals are yet to be crystallized, and my body is definitely showing signs of aging which is completely out of my control.

One minute, I feel like I am unraveling. Nothing is clear. The edges are frayed and do not fit together well. Blame it on my hormones, which may certainly be apart of this but, there is more, much more! It is about entering a new stage in life and choosing how to greet it.

In my clearer moments, I can assure myself that change is about unfolding, not unraveling. That what feels like blurred vision is about staying focused within. It means greeting the New Year with open arms, a kind heart and the faith that where I am is where I need to be. As I learn to flow with the river rather than fight the current, it all feels very clear and there is a sense of excitement about new opportunities for growth and change. I remind myself daily that it is all about the ride not the finish line.

So, let’s toast to 2010, wherever it takes us!

Recommended Readings:

*Finding Your Way Home by Melody Beattie
*Miraculous Living by Rabbi Shoni Labowitz
*Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser
*The Third Chapter: Passion, Risk and Adventure in the 25 Years after 50
   by Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot

SAY LESS ~ A LOVING ACT OF KINDNESS

Motherhood is a tricky job. When your children are little, you work hard to take care of them and they depend on you to do it. That seems clear enough, or is it?

The real challenge comes when they begin to grow up and move toward greater independence.  The greater independence, the more our job is to let go and allow them to experience the successes and defeats that come with that separation. Ironically, the very roles we have worked so hard at getting “right”, we realize are not solid but rather fluid and forever changing. We must constantly be adjusting to accommodate their growth.  Whether they are learning to walk or ride a bicycle, going off to kindergarten, choosing their friends over you or leaving for college, the task can be quite unnerving and complex.  As they grow, the roles and rules must change to keep the loving bonds and sustain a close relationship. There are times when you need to let them lead and you must learn to follow. We are supposed to recognize when those times are, though there is no “how to” guide to do so. Essentially, it is “Parenting 101” all over again. Just a different chapter.

Take this weekend, for example. My husband, youngest son and I went to visit my middle son for Family Weekend as a freshman in college. For those of you that have entered this stage of family life, I am sure you can strongly identify with the situation. You are in conflict between wanting to take care of them and make sure they are “O.K.” and viewing them in their new environment which is more about them and their finding their own way.  You feel like more of an outsider, given the chance to look into their world. With this comes an array of emotions that are difficult to identify and sometimes are not even recognized.

Back to the story.  Though happy and so far adjusting wonderfully, there were moments when my son looked tired (which, of course, only I noticed) and seemed a bit anxious as to our reaction to his new world. When I asked him if he was O.K., he responded in an irritated way, as if he felt I was “babying him”  (mistake #1). Being the mother that mothers are, I asked him more than once  (mistake #2). I also could not help myself to notice and make comments about the little things that are not necessary to point out (mistake #3). Not surprisingly, he became more annoyed with each time. WHAT’S A MOTHER TO DO!!

It was one of those moments when I needed to back up (shut up) and give him his space. Though I was not exactly clear what he was feeling, the bottom line was that it was not the right time to “take care of him.” It was a time to cheer his successes and be happy to have this glimmer into his life.

The concept of saying less also applies to other relationships, as well, but I’ll leave that for another story.

MY PLATE IS FULL

I am working as a marketing executive for a Wellness Company called Melaleuca. I only raise this as an introduction to an interesting phenomenon. I have only been with the company for about two months but, in an effort to arrange appointments to share information on the products, the most common response has been "My plate is already too full."

WHAT DOES THAT REALLY MEAN?

 I remember when I was pregnant with my third child and friends had just had their fourth. They joked about the fact that they thought they were overloaded by three children but, now having four, wondered where all that "extra" free time went with only three.

The point is : It is always a matter of perspective.

I wonder if this is not also a "shield" we put on against something new or unfamiliar. Somehow we manage to add things to our life when we think they will meet our needs. But, unless we stay open to our needs changing and embrace the fun, adventure and opportunities that come with  change, our plates may be full of the wrong things.

CREATIVE CHALLENGE: TAKE AN INVENTORY OF WHAT IS ON YOUR PLATE  RIGHT NOW.
ASK YOURSELF:
-Are there things that I can let go of?
-Is there a good balance of "must do's" and "want to do's"?
-Do I continually assess what my plate holds now and what would you like to change and add/subtract in the present and in the future?

A BEACON OF LIGHT

A RECENT FORTUNE SAID:

"HAPPINESS ISN'T IN HAVING WHAT YOU WANT BUT RATHER IN WANTING WHAT YOU HAVE"

Simply said but not as easy to do. My commitment each day is to TRY, TRY, TRY. Too often we appreciate things after we loose them or find our gratitude when hearing of someone else's tragedy or hardship. Make your day a bit brighter by making someone else's day brighter!

RIDING THE WINGS OF CHANGE

  All would agree CHANGE is stressful, scary and unsettling, to say the least.
At the same time, it can also be exciting, growth producing and energizing.

 How do we navigate the change process? How do we teach our children to do so?

Step 1

There must first be a curiosity. A desire to learn something new, to look beyond the surface. If we can nurture this in ourselves, we will be freer to empower our children to do so.

Step 2

We must let go of our fears: fear of failure and fear of the unknown. Understanding the “fear” is critical in order to gain the courage to move forward in a new direction.

Step 3

Just as we teach our children to stand up to the “ghosts in the closet,” when we are able to face and unravel our own fears, we can be more comfortable taking risks despite the chance of feeling embarrassed, insecure or vulnerable. Instead, we can use change as an asset which we can embrace.

Asking the question becomes more important than knowing the answer.

Step 4

Finding external sources (teachers, mentors, role models) that can support and encourage new learning which comes from change.

Step 5

Finding a way to bridge the past with the present. Changing does not mean we must abandon our “old selves” but rather see what is being experienced as an extension of our past. Rather than “either or” we can begin to appreciate the value of substituting “and” in our perception of the change process.

  All would agree CHANGE is stressful, scary and unsettling, to say the least.
At the same time, it can also be exciting, growth producing and energizing.

 How do we navigate the change process? How do we teach our children to do so?

Step 1

There must first be a curiosity. A desire to learn something new, to look beyond the surface. If we can nurture this in ourselves, we will be freer to empower our children to do so.

Step 2

We must let go of our fears: fear of failure and fear of the unknown. Understanding the “fear” is critical in order to gain the courage to move forward in a new direction.

Step 3

Just as we teach our children to stand up to the “ghosts in the closet,” when we are able to face and unravel our own fears, we can be more comfortable taking risks despite the chance of feeling embarrassed, insecure or vulnerable. Instead, we can use change as an asset which we can embrace.

Asking the question becomes more important than knowing the answer.

Step 4

Finding external sources (teachers, mentors, role models) that can support and encourage new learning which comes from change.

Step 5

Finding a way to bridge the past with the present. Changing does not mean we must abandon our “old selves” but rather see what is being experienced as an extension of our past. Rather than “either or” we can begin to appreciate the value of substituting “and” in our perception of the change process.

Conclusion

Change is a fact of life. Celebrating the journey makes all the difference in the world!

Conclusion

Change is a fact of life. Celebrating the journey makes all the difference in the world!

PASSION OR RESPONSIBILITY: DO WE HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE?

While I believe I am a passionate person and creativity is a core value, I am continually challenged to define being "on the right track."  Do we do this from the heart or the head? It seems that having the financial resources is what separates who wins and who loses.

I think there are those people who are truly successful in business because of their perseverance, competitiveness and drive to win. If we use a monetary barometer, the vote is clear. But, if we use our own measure of success, loving what we do, feeling passion and making a difference in the world, could we say we are the winners?

Most importantly, is there a way to have some of both. The resources to build and the freedom to deviate from the path to create your own "success story."

How To Make Someone's Day

HOW TO MAKE SOMEONE’S DAY AND BUILD FAMILY BONDS

Our world is filled with competition, a quest for power, materialism and all the ingredients that have contributed to our current state of world affairs. You may ask, what can I do? I am just one individual in the midst of a system that is greater than the sum of it’s parts.  And, what does this have to do with building family relationships? Glad you asked.

After the birth of my third son, I soon realized that I needed to be proactive, as well as creative, in combating the competitive, one-upmanship nature of boys.  When my sons were early school age, I designed a kindness board which was used to reinforce Acts of Kindness toward one another, including Mom and Dad. Visitors loved the idea and I can only say, now that my children are grown, that the greatest compliment that I have received as they were growing up was that I have “really nice kids.” In today’s world, that says quite a bit.

Imagine teaching your children, from a very early age, a way to feel good every day.  How, by one simple act, they can make someone else smile, even if they do not know them, and feel good by doing so.  Showing them that being kind to others is like a BIG HUG with your heart.

  As parents, it is easy to get caught up in encouraging the competitive side of your child. Isn’t it all about winning? Whether in soccer at 6 or being voted class president or ranking high as a High School senior to get into the best college, the message is the same.  I will never forget the time that my youngest son was nine years old and playing goalie at a state soccer competition. The coach gave the kids a “pep talk” during half time about the fact that there can be only one winner. My heart hurt thinking of the pressure on my son and the other team members.

As the world reinforces the importance of competition and winning, many parents fail to pay enough attention to our “kinder” side. Kindness is one of those traits that we “assume” our children will have but do not give teaching it enough attention. If only we could, each and every one of us, realize and actively reinforce the value of kindness, imagine the possibilities.

 Building kindness into your family value system will result in more warmth and caring within your family and enable children to take this extremely important value with them when they grow up and create their own lives.

This is the time to pass on the message of the amazing power of Random Acts of Kindness and its value as the greatest gift from the heart. The best part is that it doesn’t even cost anything!

RESILIENCY & TRANSITIONS = TRANSFORMATIONS

RESILIENCY

REFLECT>>>REGROUP>>>RESOLVE

Reflections: I am in a time of change. I feel the “endings” more acutely right now and the beginnings are in the distance, blurring and not yet defined.

Regroup: I know that change is coming and am ready to welcome it. I must work on being more patient and enjoy what each day holds. When the sadness comes, RESPECT it. These are opportunities to LEARN how to take care of myself.

Resolve: I will feel stronger and less needy as I acknowledge my emotions and give them the time to pass and fade away. It only takes a moment of change for that to happen. Believe in that moment. Know that moment will come, if not now then when you need it.

CREATIVE CHALLENGE: Try this exercise yourself and let us know how it goes. GET INSPIRED!!

WHOSES SHOES DO I CHOOSE?

SHOES WITH A PURPOSE

DRESS SHOES fall in this category. Those are the ones that look good for an event but are not usually comfortable. By the end of the occasion, you are dying to take them off and are inevitably left with a reminder (typically in the form of a blister or calf pain) of their purpose. However, you repeat this for the next event while enduring the consequences.

These shoes are analogous to the roles we play and tasks that are part of our “must do” list.

SHOES AS A SYMBOL

Shoes, such as soccer cleats, ballet shoes, etc represent to the world "who we are". Even though the size changes, they remail a symbol of how we would like the world to view us.

As in life, our outward appearance, conveys a message but, be watchful, people may make assumptions about who you are on the inside and miss the true you.

THE PROCESS OF CHANGE - NEW SHOES, OLD SHOES

New Shoes are selected only after a few short minutes trying them on in the store. Despite the hope of a perfect fit, the process typically becomes one of “breaking them in.” Like in life, we are on a path that we hope is the right one. But, to really find this "perfect fit" we must persevere, be flexible and learn to cope with change. Sometimes,our “favorites” become worn out, or outgrown. We then must begin the process of change again and embrace the possibilities as we look toward the next set of new shoes.

WHOSES SHOES DO I CHOOSE?

SHOES WITH A PURPOSE

DRESS SHOES fall in this category. Those are the ones that look good for an event but are not usually comfortable. By the end of the occasion, you are dying to take them off and are inevitably left with a reminder (typically in the form of a blister or calf pain) of their purpose. However, you repeat this for the next event while enduring the consequences.

These shoes are analogous to the roles we play and tasks that are part of our “must do” list.

SHOES AS A SYMBOL

Shoes, such as soccer cleats, ballet shoes, etc represent to the world "who we are". Even though the size changes, they remail a symbol of how we would like the world to view us.

As in life, our outward appearance, conveys a message but, be watchful, people may make assumptions about who you are on the inside and miss the true you.

THE PROCESS OF CHANGE - NEW SHOES, OLD SHOES

New Shoes are selected only after a few short minutes trying them on in the store. Despite the hope of a perfect fit, the process typically becomes one of “breaking them in.” Like in life, we are on a path that we hope is the right one. But, to really find this "perfect fit" we must persevere, be flexible and learn to cope with change. Sometimes,our “favorites” become worn out, or outgrown. We then must begin the process of change again and embrace the possibilities as we look toward the next set of new shoes.

GAINING PERSPECTIVE

I am turning "50" this month. I find myself being somewhere between the past and the future.
New roles to embrace and new paths to explore, on the one hand, and  readjusting to changes in the wonderful family bonds that  have been created over so many years.

Letting go of the familiar and venturing into the unknown can be both sad and scary, It is not the Mid Life Crisis our mothers experienced. It is a new and challenging one for women today. I am not even sure I would call it a "crisis." How would you define it?

For me, I believe in the power of change to help us define and redefine all that we most value and strive for.
I will embrace this journey with all of my heart and soul because it is uniquely mine. WILL YOU?

Look at it as  an invitation, not a commandment.

We invite responses from our readers to learn more about  what turning middle age means to you.

INSPIRATION AND FOOD FOR THOUGHT

WHOSE SHOES?

Take a minute and think of the amazing number of shoes one wears in a lifetime. Whether you are six, twenty-six or eighty-six, our experience with shoes is the perfect metaphor for life.

There are those shoes that you are forced to wear due to circumstances. I would put dress shoes in that category. Those are the ones that look good and fit for the event but are not usually comfortable. Typically, by the end of the occasion, you are dying to take them off and they inevitably leave their mark (typically in the form of a blister or calf pain) but have served a purpose. We do it again and again for the “bigger picture” while enduring the repeated consequences.

These shoes are analogous to the many roles we play and tasks that are part of our “must do” list.  They serve a purpose despite the inconveniences that come with the job.

Shoes with a purpose such as soccer or ballet shoes help define you. They are apart of our imagination and creative self (analogous to childhood “dress up”). These shoes are special because they represent something you love and hold dear in your heart. Even though you must change sizes over time, they are all the same – a symbol of who you are and what you dream to be (unless you are forced to do it, in which case, this falls into a different category).

New Shoes are an interesting category. We hope, from the few short minutes trying them on in the store, that they will be comfortable from the start. Probably less often than one would expect, this is the case. Typically, it is more a process which requires “breaking them in.” Like in life, you continue to work on this but must be committed to seeing it through. In many cases, these become your “favorites” and you never imagine not wearing them.  However, with time, you outgrow them and must move on to a new pair of shoes and begin the process again. These “new shoes” represent our growth and change over time.

Old shoes can be more complicated.  If you have had them for a long time and are endeared to them, giving them up (actually throwing them away) can feel like a loss.
There are times when we are forced to separate from the things we love in life and must grieve on some level to be able to move on. Alternatively, we may box these shoes in the back of our closet, never to be worn again but somehow holding on to them (and the memories they represent).

So, whose shoes are you wearing today? Is the fit right or should you throw them away?
How do you choose? 
At least, take them off and wiggle your toes in the sand.
Give yourself permission to try on a new brand.