The Kindness Tree

ENJOY THE CHALLENGE COURSE OR RUN FROM THE LANDMINES

Many parents might compare  living with  adolescent children to traveling through a field of landmines.
I prefer to think of it more like an interesting  Ropes Challenge Course.

The key to remember is that each challenge is different, just like each child is different. Also, the rules must apply to the particular task with enough flexibility to adapt and change course, as needed.
There is a hugh difference between my 13 year old, my 15 year old and my 19 year old and I have to adjust my approach with each one. Also, maybe even more importantly, the way you approach the challenge has alot to do with your success.

Some examples to illustrate.

My soon to be 16 year old son went to Basketball camp last summer and, as he had never been there before, came without any provisions while other kids came loaded with sodas, snacks, you name it.
This summer, with the memory fresh in both our minds, we vowed to be prepared. He had plenty of snacks and planned to take water bottles and drinks. I suggested he take a carton of waters to share with some poor soul whose guilt ridden mother may have forgotten. He preferred to  only take a few in his bag but I persisted in my push for the whole cartoon. Sure enough, I woke this morning after he was gone only to find the cartoon sitting where we left it and not one bottle missing. So much for the water!
He also vowed that he was all prepared last night, To his credit, he did pack himself  and took care of things well but, of course, woke me at 5:30 to sign one more form. I just had to laugh!

This summer has also been an interesting transition for my 19 year old son who has just finished his first year of college out of town. I have to continue to strattle the line between respecting his autonomy and defining what is comfortable for me to live with. I have also had to work hard to convey my need for some family bonding and my desire for connection without making it an expectation and "mandatory" behavior. You never quite know whether he will be the old Jason, joking and comfortable,  or the  "guest" at our "boarding"  house. It is only with much self reflection and conscious thinking can I travel the road with him and not compromise our relationship. Bottom line, he has ever right to be where he is so I better adjust and respect it. As long as  we can keep joking and talking honestly about it all, we will be just fine.

Last but not least, there is my 12 year old son. He has blossomed almost overnight or at least it feels this way)  into the stage of parent "deafness", selective listening and  negotiating til he is blue in the face. He has learned to persist in asking for things he wants until you turn blue in the face.  With him,  I must be careful not to give in just for a moment of peace and to continue to hold firm on my expectations. If any of you have a 12 year old, you know what it is like.  It is critical to be very clear and have tremendous patience when they continue to try and change what you say or think or decide. Never fear, this too  shall pass!!

Personally, I am enjoying the ride on the adolescent train. I have always been very honest and direct with my kids and I think this has allowed us to weather these waters with love, humor and connection.

LANDMARKS AND LANDMINES ON THE PARENTING HIGHWAY

We all have those "MOMENTS" that become crystalized in our minds that are our own unique milestones as a parent.
An early one for me was when I just brought my first son home from the hospital and, while changing his diaper, he pooped and peeped simultaneously all over me. I can still vividly remember the moment as  I laughed over the realization that I was now officially indoctrinated into my role as mother.

Another one was when my second son was born. After months of worrying that I could never love another child as much as I did my first, they brought him to me in the hospital and he immediately curled up in my arms like a sweet precious kitten and, in that instance, all of my fears melted away.

I had another "MOMENT" yesterday. My youngest son (age 12) returned from his first time at sleep away camp. He left barely being able to lift, let alone carry, his large backpack which was almost as big as he is. He returned carrying that backpack on his back while holding several other possesions like a little man who had seen the world, conquered it and was here to tell his story.

Was it possible that he had grown in two weeks? He seemed taller, and older and had an air about him that said clearly he had gone through a "growing up" experience. At that moment, I knew that while he may have left "my little boy", I had better be ready for who he was now. Luckily, I captured that moment with a picture though it will be forever etched in my mind.

I had another  "MOMENT" late last night when I woke up at 2:00a.m. to find my 19 year old son watching T.V. when I knew he had to go to work at 6:00 a.m. I gingerly asked if he was going to bed and he abruptly answered soon. I would call this a "landmine" moment. A moment  when you are faced with the decision to act like a mother and treat your 19 year old son like a child or turn around and go to sleep giving him the freedom to be who he wants to be. But, that is another story to be continued ..........

DEDICATED TO BELIEVERS

I am a believer.
I believe that dreams can come true if you put your heart and soul into them.
I believe in "happily ever after movies" with a moral that warms your heart and makes you cry.
I believe that people are trustworthy and sincere.
I believe that emotions are a good thing and that it never hurts to be open and honest.

I thought I wanted to be a lawyer when I was in High School but after an internship experience, I realized that law was not truly about justice and fairness.
I became a clinical social worker which was closer to my values of honesty, trust, respect and caring about relationships.  After many years in practise, I have come to realize that many  people would rather not dig so deep, are afraid of their feelings and prefer to live in some form of denial.

I currently own my own business and have come to realize that the business world is no different for a believer. In fact, it can squelch the best of passions one has. I have repeatedly been confronted with the realization that people do not always say what they really mean, do not act consistently with what they say, and are often defensive in response to my honesty.  Last, but not least, sincerity is too often not  the driving force behind others actions but money is.

I do believe that my customers appreciate my true commitment to fairness and the caring, peronal attention that I provide. I wish that was enough but, to my sad realization,  success is not necessasrily about kindness and caring.

So, I write this to those of you who are also dreamers. Read the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
and embrace your passions.

Hold onto some form of trust in your spirit and know that you are not alone.
While they invented "the Dream Catcher" for children to help them with their nighttime fears, I believe we should  invent a new dream catcher for adults who want to hold onto their dreams. Maybe it is not about dreams coming true but about the desire to hold onto those dreams and not letting anyone or anything take them away.

PARENTING TEENAGERS : WHAT IS YOUR REALITY?

TAKE NOTHING FOR GRANTED!

My oldest son, now 19,  coined the expression "it could always be worse" and has used it for years now whenever  he sees that I am stressed. I have come to appreciate both his effort and the thought itself which is a great source of comfort in it's simplistic wisdom.

I was just searching the  blogosphere directory for other webblogs on parenting teenagers and was dismayed by the number of  blogs that have only harsh and negative things to say about being the parent of teenagers. HOW SAD!

CREATIVE CHALLENGE;

Accept the pain, cherish the joys, resolve the regrets: then can come the best of benedictions-"If I had my life to live over, I'd do it all the same."  Joan McIntosh,

American Writer

Personally, I love my kids and still love and admire them at ages 19, 15 and 12. Challenging, sometimes, yes but it is all the way you look at things and choose to handle them. Maybe I am just lucky but I like to think that good parenting makes for good kids. I have taken the time and effort to be the best parent I can be which has meant searching my soul and admitting my weaknesses and being open to change.

As a family therapist, I repeatedly saw that it was easier for parents to criticize their kids and place blame than to  look at ourselves up close and  take responsibility for their part in how their family turns out.

My 19 year old and I had a recent conversation about his life as a freshman in college this past year and the transition coming home for the summer.
He very honestly and sincerely brought to my attention that I am always reminding him how lucky he is like his family and want to be home but fail to mention how lucky we are to have such great kids.

He is absolutely right. Not that I take this for granted but, obviously, I do not make it a point to let them know. Thanks, Jas, I  will be sure to let you guys  know how lucky I am to have you!

To leave you with a thought
If  I were to begin life again, I should want it as it were. I would only open my eyes a little more.... Jules Renard, French Writer

LIFE THROUGH A KALEIDOSCOPE

How it is that days and weeks seem to drag on forever and the years fly by?

My husband and oldest son took my youngest son (age 12) to sleep away camp yesterday for a 2 week stay. This is the first time he will be away from home this long. I miss him so much more than I had expected. After all, he is my third child and you would think by now I would be used to these type of changes.

O.K., I know what your thinking- “EMPTY NEST SYNDROME, MID LIFE CRISIS,
A SERIOUS DOSE OF PMS”. While it is probably a mixture of all these things, that is not the point of this story.

The funny part is that my oldest son went to this very camp at the same age and the experience was totally different. We planned and prepared in anticipation of his going and experienced this as a “major life event”, typical of what parents feel with their first child. In fact, he received so many letters from our family (immediate and extended) that he won the award for this at the end of camp. With Scott, we were lucky to get all of his stuff packed up in time. My have we become jaded!

But, now that he is gone, the feelings seem much stronger. Somehow, I think we all assume that he will be here as “the little one” forever though he is years more mature than his age and ready to spread his wings (what else could he be with two older brothers to model).  Even our dog seems sad.

I continue to think about how the moments slip away and, suddenly, want to hold onto each and every one of them before they are gone. This makes me cry which is always a telltale sign that it is true.

Isn’t life kind of like a kaleidoscope -you quickly turn the viewer to see what’s next but sometimes miss the beauty of each individual pattern.

The bright side to the story is that we will surely miss him more than he will miss home which is how it should be.  M y middle son and I also got to spend the weekend just the two of us. We bonded over Chinese food and a movie. We shared taking care of the dog.
In fact, I think we had a moment where we just held the kaleidoscope still and enjoyed what we saw.

“SUMMER AND THE LIVING IS EASY

Why do I keep singing “Take me out to the Ball Game” and
‘Summertime and the Living is Easy”.

Wishful thinking, I guess.

As a WORK AT HOME MOM, it takes a great deal of concerted effort to make the most of those lazy, hazy days of summer.  It is difficult to stay focused on work when my kids are home during the summer.  Somehow, the fact that my summer work schedule is no different than every other season seems a little unfair in contrast to their abundant free time.  (I guess childhood envy is something we never truly outgrow!)

Honestly, I’d rather be “playing.” But, as this is not an option, I have had to define for myself how to make the most of the summer and appreciate it’s many benefits.
I thoroughly enjoy the extra hour of sleep each morning and savor the fact that dinner time can be somewhat flexible. Even taking a walk in the evening is a welcome treat.
And, sad but true, one of my real joys is having someone to share walking the dog with.

This summer, make a commitment to appreciate the small things. Be grateful for the change of pace. Enjoy seeing more of your children. Plan to BREAK THE RULES,
just for the fun of it.

It is so easy to quickly take things for granted such as the fact that my oldest son is now home from his first year at college. During the year, I would have jumped for joy at his being home and how quickly it seemed that we all fell back into our old routine. I guess that is the good news, in a certain way, but I have also not forgotten, for one moment, that summer will come and go faster than I can imagine so I try to cherish the time together.

I have committed to make everyday a ‘mini’ vacation, even if it only lasts a few moments.

It’s all about attitude and how you look at things. I choose to make this a great summer, come what may.

THINK WITH YOUR HEART

FINALLY,
Summer is here and we can all take a break from THINKING WITH OUR HEADS!
It is easy to get lazy and let the days of summer roll by without savoring them.

Some suggestions for making the most of the summer and sharing
“QUALITY” FAMILY TIME.

1) TAKE TIME TO PLAN SOME NEW AND FUN SUMMER RITUALS THAT WARM EACH OTHER’S HEARTS.

We have begun to do Sunday barbeques where everyone gets their favorite food and we add new and different side dishes just for fun. My 15 & 19 year olds take charge of grilling and have come to enjoy mastering these new skills while my husband gets a restful break.

2) FIND TIME AS A FAMILY TO BOND.

Be creative, fun and even silly. If not now, when? Think of the goal as a time to play, laugh and do the things there are not time for during the school year.
Include your kids in the planning and doing – it makes all the difference in the world.

With teenagers, they often balk at doing things as a family but once they do it, they typically have a great time. So, while being flexible, not participating should not be one of the choices.

In our family, it is like “pulling teeth” to get my kids to go to the beach but once we are there, they always hate to leave. Add dinner on the beach and it is a winner every time.

4) SET UP SCHEDULES TO DEAL WITH THE “MUST DO” LIST

I have found it best to have my kids do their summer reading and work first thing in the morning when they get up. They are the freshest and least distracted from other activities.
They quickly get used to this and see a change from this routine as a special “treat.”

5) DO THOUGHTFUL ACTS OF KINDNESS TOWARD OTHERS

In the extra free time that summer allows, think of ways to reach out to others.
Bake a batch of brownies for a new neighbor, offer to keep the mail or water someone’s plants when they are on vacation. Modeling this for your kids encourages them to do the same. Enlist them in these Acts of Kindness helps them develop sensitivity and empathy for others.

Last summer, I insisted that my 11year old son introduce himself to a new same age child who moved into the neighborhood. My rationale to him was “if this were you, how would it feel? Despite his initial resistance, he felt good about doing so afterward.