Many parents might compare living with adolescent children to traveling through a field of landmines.
I prefer to think of it more like an interesting Ropes Challenge Course.
The key to remember is that each challenge is different, just like each child is different. Also, the rules must apply to the particular task with enough flexibility to adapt and change course, as needed.
There is a hugh difference between my 13 year old, my 15 year old and my 19 year old and I have to adjust my approach with each one. Also, maybe even more importantly, the way you approach the challenge has alot to do with your success.
Some examples to illustrate.
My soon to be 16 year old son went to Basketball camp last summer and, as he had never been there before, came without any provisions while other kids came loaded with sodas, snacks, you name it.
This summer, with the memory fresh in both our minds, we vowed to be prepared. He had plenty of snacks and planned to take water bottles and drinks. I suggested he take a carton of waters to share with some poor soul whose guilt ridden mother may have forgotten. He preferred to only take a few in his bag but I persisted in my push for the whole cartoon. Sure enough, I woke this morning after he was gone only to find the cartoon sitting where we left it and not one bottle missing. So much for the water!
He also vowed that he was all prepared last night, To his credit, he did pack himself and took care of things well but, of course, woke me at 5:30 to sign one more form. I just had to laugh!
This summer has also been an interesting transition for my 19 year old son who has just finished his first year of college out of town. I have to continue to strattle the line between respecting his autonomy and defining what is comfortable for me to live with. I have also had to work hard to convey my need for some family bonding and my desire for connection without making it an expectation and "mandatory" behavior. You never quite know whether he will be the old Jason, joking and comfortable, or the "guest" at our "boarding" house. It is only with much self reflection and conscious thinking can I travel the road with him and not compromise our relationship. Bottom line, he has ever right to be where he is so I better adjust and respect it. As long as we can keep joking and talking honestly about it all, we will be just fine.
Last but not least, there is my 12 year old son. He has blossomed almost overnight or at least it feels this way) into the stage of parent "deafness", selective listening and negotiating til he is blue in the face. He has learned to persist in asking for things he wants until you turn blue in the face. With him, I must be careful not to give in just for a moment of peace and to continue to hold firm on my expectations. If any of you have a 12 year old, you know what it is like. It is critical to be very clear and have tremendous patience when they continue to try and change what you say or think or decide. Never fear, this too shall pass!!
Personally, I am enjoying the ride on the adolescent train. I have always been very honest and direct with my kids and I think this has allowed us to weather these waters with love, humor and connection.
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