The Kindness Tree

Letting Go of Your Kids without Lossing Them

As parents, we all face moments when we must decide how to handle  our children's attempts to assert their independence. Separations begin when our little ones attempt their first steps, when they go off to their first school experience and continue as they assert themselves and align with their peers during adolescense.

We are faced with important decisions about how we will respond to these changes. These choices define both who we are and how our children will experience these transitions.

I was faced with one such challenge this summer which will remain a vivid memory forever.
My 19 year old son fell in love for the first time as a senior in High School. They parted to go to different colleges far apart from each other and her family moved to another state which left the liklihood of them seeing each other slim. The relationship appeared to end given the circumstances (or so I assumed).
They began to communicate again over the spring though I did not know this until much later as my son choose to not tell me.

We had openly discussed  my opinion that he was just beginning to learn about love and relationships and that I felt that it was too early to become seriously involved with someone. While he did not disagree with this in theory, his heart told him otherwise. It fondly reminded me of the days when "love conquered all" and I felt for his dilemma.

The real test came when he approached me over the second half of the summer to say she was coming to
visit Charleston to see friends and, most importantly, him. I was shot me in the heart when he told me that he thought to just not tell us about this visit and, so, avoid any conflict. I was taken back to think he would consider keeping this a secret as our relationship has always been and still is very close.

That was the moment of truth. How I would handle this would define how much I would allow him the space and freedom to make his own decisions and show my respect for him as a separate person. The fact is  I trust him and admire him for his good judgment, maturity and true desire to be close as a family. Most importantly, I wanted him to not regret telling me the truth.
To make a long story short, I supported him by not imparting my own judgements and being open and allowing him the freedom to explore his world and this relationship.

He was so grateful and thankful (and so incredibly happy)  that it touched my heart. I knew that I had made the right decsion. In the end, it really doesn't matter what happens. What matters is that his memory will be of a family who loves him dearly and cares enough to give him the freedom and support to make his own decisions, to live his life and learn from it. I would like to remember this as "A GIFT FROM THE HEART"

HOW WILL YOUR KIDS REMEMBER YOU?

How will your kids remember you?

This may seem morose or depressing and you may say, "why would I want to think about that now?"

For me, the answer is simple: I hope that my kids remember me for all the things that I work hardest to give them. If they won't , then perhaps I need to look at how to teach those things differently. And, that means now, before the chance is gone.

You realize this especially when your children get older and your influence is no longer primary or even physically present, as when they go off to college.

From time to time, when the moment feels right, I ask my kids what they will remember about me. They laugh and make jokes but, when pushed, their answers are filled with the heartfelt emotions that I believe are the core of who I am. I feel lucky about this and hope that I have given them a part of me that they will use to teach their children.

CREATIVE CHALLENGE

Take a moment and write down a short list of what things you think your children will remember you for.
Then, (if you dare and I hope you will ) write a new list of what you would like them  to remember you for.
If you compare the two and they are not similiar, you might want to give some thought to this and change directions. It is never to late to become the best parent you can be.

This exercise can also be done by thinking about what you remember your parents for and why.

I am the heart of the family- the one who talks about feelings, encourages communication, problem solving  and cooperation.  I most value being kind  and respectful of one another as this is, for me, the major ingredient to making every relationship  a true loving one.

ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THE M.O.B?

TALES OF RAISING THE SAME SEX CHILDREN

Dear Reader,

After my third son was born, I often heard the comment that 'NOW, I WAS TRULY THE QUEEN".
These individuals most certainly did not have all boys.
While I would agree that I hold a unique role in my family - the promoter of feelings, supporter of communication, kindness, consideration and cooperation - I think that is just me and  I would be the same had I not had all boys.

As for the '"QUEEN" - perhaps they meant QUEEN WORKER BEE.

Imagine a volleyball game in which I am on one side and my three sons and husband are on the other side. That is a better portrayal.
When my sons were younger, I would joke that I thought I was becoming a mother but instead became a sergeant in training. Alas, that is when I coined the phrase M.O.B (Mothers of Boys) as it so fits the tough and strong character that one must have when raising boys.
Now that my sons are all in their teenage years (ages "almost" 12, 16 and 19), I often feel more like I am in the mens locker room. My youngest son has moved into the phase of belching at the dinner table and needing to debate any and everything we discuss, my middle son can jump from lovingly playing around and roughing up my youngest son one minute  to being critical and bossy the next ,  and my oldest son enjoys making side jokes about all that we do (which usually but not always) keeps us laughing.

But, M.O.B. members take heart! I recently listened as my husband and kids were eating dinner while I was in the other room working and heard my middle son say, "Can't  you all be civilized and have a nice conversation" - the very words I often espouse. So, maybe I have made a difference!

For a wonderful book with insights into the roles women play and our incredible potential,

read:  WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK by Dr. Linda Austin

Signed A PROUD MEMBER OF THE M.O.B.

P.S. Write back and tell us your story. Raising all boys or all girls is a unique opportunity that we must have been destined for, so we might as well learn from it!