The Kindness Tree

TO THINK OR NOT TO THINK, THAT IS THE QUESTION?

I must admit - I am a worrier (not obsessively but, in all honesty.  most likely more than your average Joe). At times, I envy those people who can "put their heads in the sand" and  seem to not notice problems and avoid uncomforable feelings.
Truth is, I wouldn't want to be like that and, in fact, probably couldn't be if I tried.
It's just not in my nature.

So, the question becomes what to do with all of those feelings and how to direct them in a productive way?

In defense of those of us who worry and deal "head on"  with any feelings, I think this attribute helps us to be more sensitive to the feelings of others, gives us the opportunity to learn to deal with feelings more effectively (as we have much practise) and is  healthier in the long run than"stuffing" them.

But, the key is to learn how to effectively deal with worrying so it serves us well.

HERE IS WHERE THE THINKING QUESTION COMES IN!!

As far as I can remember, the message has always been  think, think, think.....
"Think before you speak"
"Think it over"
"Think things through..."

All that thinking,  when it is directed toward worrying can be a dangerous thing. It can immobilize you and deplete you of energy. Or, it can become a motivator for change!.

I recently went to a workshop in which a local speaker, Suzannah Bagwell, a Reiki Master and Teacher, talked about using different strategies to deal with feelings and life choices. I associated what she said with finding a spiritual side  in ourselves. She spoke of many things that fit well with the readings I have done in Kabballah. This concept resonated in a recent article in Oprah Magazine (Oct, 2006) on dealing with ambivalence. Some excerpts include:

"Just for a few minutes, stop trying to solve the problem  and relax and trust: Trust in the process, in your true self,...in any force you hope may be strong enough to hold you, ambivalence and all, for even a little while.It is in moments of surrender, following vacillations , that quietly earth shattering revoluations occur"

The basic idea is to learn to " unthink" through meditation, visualization, journeling  and reframing.

By "emptying" your mind of old thoughts, you can open the way  for new ideas, opportunities and a better sense of peace in the journey of life. 

The book "MIRACULOUS LIVING" by Rabbi Shoni Labowitz  is a wonderful resource for learning more about Kabbalah and how to integrate this into your life. I am sure there are other resources available so I hope that readers will share the sources that they have used to help them and I will pass them on.

So, for now, the end of the story  for me is RELAX AND STOP WORKING SO HARD AT THINGS WE CANNOT CONTROL!!

THE WISDOM TO BE CRAZY

I am convinced that it is those Ole'  EXPECTATIONS that are the root of our demise.
Whether they are our own or others imposed on us, for me, it often feels like I flew into a spider web and I am not quite sure how to get out. There are so many "shoulds and shouldn'ts" floating around, it is a wonder there is room to breath (and, by this I mean physical, emotional and spiritual room).

THE REAL PROBLEM FOR ME IS : I don't want to just breath, I want to breath freely.

This idea  is dedicated to my sister on her birthday today and to all of those like us who just can't settle for breathing like the majority of the world.

I propose that we adopt a new set of "VALUES" (which I prefer to think of instead of expectations).
In an article in Cosco Magazine (2005) entitled "The Wisdom to be Crazy" it proposes to "nurture a culture where it's safe to be a little crazy." I second the motion!!

Wouldn't it be grand if the expectations floating around went something like this:

1)It's not whether you win or loss, nor even how you play the game but how much fun you have playing it!
2)Play should be considered a form of work. I vote for a 3 Day weekend and 4 day work week!!
3)You could be praised as much for curiosity, playfulness, creativity and imagination as you are for responsibility, academic and professional success, monetary advantage, etc etc

CREATIVE CHALLENGE

Try to come up with your own set of "NEW RULES"  and see what your kids would say.

My 12 year old would say, "Why spend time working when you can be playing!"
(Since we grown ups know that is not possible, I would like to rephrase it a bit:
"if work has no element of  fun in it, then maybe there is other work to find that does)
My 16 year old  would say,  "Resting is totally underrated"
My 19 year old would say, "Don't worry, it could always be worse"

FINAL THOUGHT : PERHAPS THE CHILDREN SHOULD BE THE ONES TO MAKE THE RULES!

LIFES GREATEST CHALLENGE

My sister sent me this amazing card that holds the "key" to happiness (or, at least, one of the keys).
It says...
"Try to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them, and the point is, to live everything, live the questions now. Perhaps, then, someday far in the future, you will gradually , without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

Such wise words I believe are a gift to cherish and share with others in this journey of life.

I believe that such gifts are "ACTS OF KINDNESS" which can only make for a better world.
There was a wonderful article in OPRAH'S MAGAZINE ABOUT  LINDA KAPLAN THALER, who runs a successful advertising business with it's core belief in KINDNESS. (See Oprah's Sept 2006, p. 143).

What a hopeful thought that somehow we (including myself) can combine the values of kindness and caring with the goals of successful business.  So, I guess there is hope!!! 
As one of the best lines in new THE PINK PANTHER movie with Steve Martin says "GGOODD ONE!"
If you haven't seen it - it is worth the many laughs!!!

A BIT OF FREE THRAPY

MANAGING THE ROLLER COASTER OF LIFE

There are times when I feel like things are spiraling out of control. Some of those moments have to do with circumstances that truly are out of my control. Other times, it is more about how I am handling and reacting to a situation.

During my career as a therapist, I was trained in cognitive behavioral therapy which, in a nutshell, is using your thoughts to better manage your feelings and actions. I would like to share one concept that is quite simple but extremely powerful in helping you change your thoughts, feelings and behavior.

It is called SEEMINGLY IRRELEVANT DECISIONS.

The concept is based on the notion that we all make decisions that lead us down one path or another.
If we become more aware of these decisions, even ones that appear remotely or not at all related to future actions, we can change the outcome.   

A small example for me is that I am definitely not a night person. I have come to realize that making decisions, dealing with problems, even having an argument with my husband is always better done sometime other than at night. By the evening, my energy is lower, I don't think as clearly and I have less patience. I used to try to resolve conflicts with my husband before going to sleep. Bad idea!
Now, by the time I wait until morning, the emotions of the night before seem so much less magnified.

I am currently in the process of evaluating important career decisions.  Sometimes, overwhelmed with mixed emotions and cloudy thoughts, it seems difficult to separate "the forest from the trees."
It was suggested to me to start a journal and the words of wisdom that followed where "the answer will come in time." 

It makes me think of the Dr Seuss Book "Oh, The Places You Go". I guess I must trust that my journey is the one I am destined to take  and I will watch for those "SEEMINGLY IRRELEVANT DECISIONS" along the way.

THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED ON

Sometimes we have a question in our lives at a particular time without any idea of the answer. We may not even be exactly clear what the question is.

It's the feeling in your gut that makes you anxious, unsettled and wishing that it would go away. 
It's the time when some people overeat, exercise to the extreme or try to distract themselves in some way.
For many, they may use some form of denial or avoidance to deal (or not to deal) with  their "reality."

For me, (for better or for worse) I seem to have the need to face it head on and confront the "demon in the closet". The problem is that I often do not have the patience to wait and let the answer come when it is meant to come. (What can I say-patience has never been my forte!)

At those times, I try to focus on the belief that life is meant to be exactly how it is and "let go" of the worry as best I can.
It's  like riding a wave without thinking too much about what might happen or whether you will crash.

Some would call this time my "midlife crisis" but I feel certain that I will always take
"the road less traveled on." So, perhaps I it would be better to think of these internal challenges  as my lifetime ride of bravery and risk in the process of discovery.

I like feeling passion for things-relationships, work,  questions of the heart and soul. And, while this can often times feel quite challenging , in the end, I must remember that it is the path I must be destined to take as this is the one I keep taking.

Some of you will understand exactly what I mean. We are the exception to the rule! Today, I spoke with someone who resonated with this essence. What a pleasure to see that there are more people like myself who also take the road less traveled. Makes for a much less lonely trip.

THE POWER OF LAUGHTER

One of the sweetest feelings comes when thinking back on a memory that makes you laugh all over again. It seems that there are too few people in the world that you can really (I mean REALLY) laugh with.
I am talking about the whole belly laugh, pains in your stomach and tears in your eyes.

One such person I can really laugh with is my sister. Since she lives far away and our visits are not nearly as often as I wish, I have come to think of times together when we laughed as a way of keeping her close to me in my thoughts and in my heart. I also do the same with my son Jason who is away at college.

I think I am lucky because, as a family, we laugh alot. I believe that our children, though older now, still like spending time as a family because of this. Personally, for me, life often feels like such a challenge that  laughing seems  the perfect answer to balancing out the struggles and stresses.

BOTTOM LINE - IT'S MORE FUN TO LAUGH THAN TO BE SERIOUS !!

It's a shame to waste the many funny memories that we share with special people who we can really  laugh with,  I propose we RECYCLE them in our minds as a way of keeping close, destressing and remembering to enjoy the moment.

CREATIVE CHALLENGE:

Think of one truly funny memory each day for a week and see how it impacts on you.
If it is working, try to share this memory with the person by a quick email, telephone call, greeting card or (best scenario) in person. It's like reliving the moment again and sharing a warm fuzzy with someone you care about. 

If you can't think of any funny memories, than perhaps this is the time to look for them in new people, new opportunities and a new outlook.   

CONSIDER WHAT THE WORLD WOULD BE LIKE IF WE ALL DID THIS ON A REGULAR BASIS.
THIS WOULD BE A WONDERFUL ACT OF KINDNESS, INDEED!!