WHO MAKES THE RULES: PARENTS OR KIDS?

    In retrospect, it seems so clear to me who was in charge when my children were young . I  was very comfortable disciplining as long as I identified the problem and was clear on the rationale for my disciplinary actions. Perhaps, time has blurred my vision. I don't doubt that. Things always seem easier when you no longer need to worry about them.

Making decisons for my children now that are ages 14 and 17 is less clear. When should you  allow them the freedom to make their own choices?  The stakes seem higher now. I would like to tell my story in the form of a letter to my son.

I wish I knew the best thing to do for you. On the one hand, I know you are capable of doing anything you put your mind to and succeeding at that. All your teachers have always said the same thing: "you do not work up to your potential." I can only wonder why? I believe it has something to do with your fear of not living up to external expectations. There is a very real component to that.  I try not to get caught up with mandating
and judging you based on those external expectations (societal, educational and, of course, parental) but the reality is the external parameters , such as school grades, dictate your future choices.

The hardest thing a parent must do is watch their child learn through their mistakes and consequently feel hurt, disappointment and a sense of failure. I would do anything to protect you from that but I know that is not possible nor in your best interest. So, I continue to contemplate what I can to do support  you.? How can I let you know how much I  believe in you? 

The road must be yours to follow, the questions yours to ask, as well as answer, and the rules must be ones you ultimately define for yourself.  I can only hope that my actions during this time in your life- a time of discovery and transitions- communicate clearly to you my support and my faith in you. I hope that you will let me in on those struggles.  Not so I can fix them, but so that you do not have to deal with them alone or hide them from us. Now and always, I would like to be part of your journey as a cushion to fall on and a audience to applaud your successes.

I will continue to work on better understanding you and respecting you for the incredible person you are.
I hope, when you look back on this stage,  in the future,  you are glad that I was your
mother.