The Kindness Tree

GAINING PERSPECTIVE

I am turning "50" this month. I find myself being somewhere between the past and the future.
New roles to embrace and new paths to explore, on the one hand, and  readjusting to changes in the wonderful family bonds that  have been created over so many years.

Letting go of the familiar and venturing into the unknown can be both sad and scary, It is not the Mid Life Crisis our mothers experienced. It is a new and challenging one for women today. I am not even sure I would call it a "crisis." How would you define it?

For me, I believe in the power of change to help us define and redefine all that we most value and strive for.
I will embrace this journey with all of my heart and soul because it is uniquely mine. WILL YOU?

Look at it as  an invitation, not a commandment.

We invite responses from our readers to learn more about  what turning middle age means to you.

INSPIRATION AND FOOD FOR THOUGHT

WHOSE SHOES?

Take a minute and think of the amazing number of shoes one wears in a lifetime. Whether you are six, twenty-six or eighty-six, our experience with shoes is the perfect metaphor for life.

There are those shoes that you are forced to wear due to circumstances. I would put dress shoes in that category. Those are the ones that look good and fit for the event but are not usually comfortable. Typically, by the end of the occasion, you are dying to take them off and they inevitably leave their mark (typically in the form of a blister or calf pain) but have served a purpose. We do it again and again for the “bigger picture” while enduring the repeated consequences.

These shoes are analogous to the many roles we play and tasks that are part of our “must do” list.  They serve a purpose despite the inconveniences that come with the job.

Shoes with a purpose such as soccer or ballet shoes help define you. They are apart of our imagination and creative self (analogous to childhood “dress up”). These shoes are special because they represent something you love and hold dear in your heart. Even though you must change sizes over time, they are all the same – a symbol of who you are and what you dream to be (unless you are forced to do it, in which case, this falls into a different category).

New Shoes are an interesting category. We hope, from the few short minutes trying them on in the store, that they will be comfortable from the start. Probably less often than one would expect, this is the case. Typically, it is more a process which requires “breaking them in.” Like in life, you continue to work on this but must be committed to seeing it through. In many cases, these become your “favorites” and you never imagine not wearing them.  However, with time, you outgrow them and must move on to a new pair of shoes and begin the process again. These “new shoes” represent our growth and change over time.

Old shoes can be more complicated.  If you have had them for a long time and are endeared to them, giving them up (actually throwing them away) can feel like a loss.
There are times when we are forced to separate from the things we love in life and must grieve on some level to be able to move on. Alternatively, we may box these shoes in the back of our closet, never to be worn again but somehow holding on to them (and the memories they represent).

So, whose shoes are you wearing today? Is the fit right or should you throw them away?
How do you choose? 
At least, take them off and wiggle your toes in the sand.
Give yourself permission to try on a new brand.

NEW REFLECTIONS

4/5/08

It feels wonderful to begin blogging again. I hope the insights, inspirations, and learning opportunities of my journey help you in yours.

On reflection, since last I wrote, I question what has changed. It is easy to automatically think of all the things that have not been accomplished. Instead, I would rather evaluate what has.

I feel stronger, clearly and more peaceful when I compare my internal self to over a year ago. Although things have not all gone as planned, it is O.K. (REALLY TRULY IN MY HEART O.K.). I am learning the value of letting go and trusting that what comes to me is what I need to have in my life. It gives me direction and a sense of security regardless of the outcome.

The question is not whether it is “good or bad” but rather “how can I best use this to continue to follow my “soul print” –my path. Going down the road of “why” or placing blame only drains your energy. I continually reflect on ways to infuse my spirit to be strong, brave and move forward with  “acceptance not anxiety.”

We usually take time to think about our past year and goals for the future around the New Year. I propose doing this more often, much the way we get “tune ups” on our cars. Those of you that are in business know that it is recommended that you do a quarterly analysis to evaluate thoroughly your current status, assess where you are and where you would like to go.  From this, you can modify your next steps and define or redefine your goals. Why not apply this same practice to your personal and emotional goals?

Å business cannot be successful, if we are not feeling that way. We bring our “heart and soul” to our professional and personal lives. By keeping an ongoing journal or written diary, we can remember more details, not just those that are most recent, and look at things over time. Brings a very different perspective to light.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED OVER THIS TIME:

1) The more rules you make, the more rules you have to break.

Practice postponing setting rules to see if your gut feeling remains the same on an issue. Make sure the rules are YOURS and not someone else’s that you have adopted because you should, or it is expected of you by someone else or you can’t find your own rules. Keep looking!
2) Talk Less, Think with your heart more

I am learning to hold on to feelings in a good way. As I give them time to percolate, they often resolve themselves. If I pay close enough attention to them, I become clearer in my head about what they mean, where they are coming from and how to deal with them. Connecting with your feelings is a gift that you deserve and can embrace. You can choose to be afraid of your feelings or discount them or not.
If you don’t care about your feelings, why should other people?

3) PRACTISE KINDNESS DAILY- IT MAKES LIFE SO MUCH SWEETER.

The more I reach out to others with a kind, compassionate heart, the more I gain.
More importantly, when I do it with a conscious awareness that it is not about what I get back, the better I feel. Imagine what the world would be like if we all did this. Try doing a random act of kindness and see how it feels. You have gained something and have given to someone else. Hold on to that feeling – it will be a motivator to do it again.
KINDNESS COUNTS, BANK ON IT!

I will leave you with a wonderful thought that I just read on a waffle ad.
INSTRUCTIONS: USE YOUR IMAGINATION

I will add that to my new set of goals!

CHANGE IS GONNA DO YOU GOOD"

I think that people are by nature "creatures of habit. " We get comfortable in things that are familiar and sometimes confuse this with happiness.
In my experience as a therapist, it is only when you are uncomfortable that the motivation for change kicks in. The more uncomfortable, the more motivated you are to change.

I would propose that is it through change that we experience new and  different things which are invaluable to our growth and personal actualization.  How can that be good, you might wonder, if change feels so unsettling. 

First of all, when we experience a contrast, often things stand out more clearly. A simple example, spend a day not eating and see how much you enjoy your next meal. Likewise, if it rains for days on end. the first sunny day feels incredibly wonderful.

It is often not easy to perceive change  as positive when the change is a result of something out of our control. Times like these can certainly cause anxiety, fear and sadness.

But, I am referring to changes that you initiate. These  changes can be a way to open up new doors and allow for a different  perspective.  Here is a  small, simple example. This morning, I reversed the route that I typically run. It is amazing to see how different the trail looked from the opposite direction. I would have missed that !

I have also recently attempted to promote new friendships which has felt very rewarding. It is so easy to get complacent and not even realize how much we are  missing.

Try it for yourself and see!

Change also forces us to be challenged and ,with this, comes experience in problem solving,  developing  creativity and promoting new ways of thinking. All invaluable skills for the times when "change " kicks us in the butt and takes us for a loop.

As wise Dr Seuss wrote so eloquently in "Oh, The Places You'll Go"

OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! ...You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

Except when you don't. Because, sometimes, you won't. I'm sorry to say ...that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you. ....Just be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act.

So, go for it! What are you waiting for??