The Kindness Tree

How To Make Someone's Day

HOW TO MAKE SOMEONE’S DAY AND BUILD FAMILY BONDS

Our world is filled with competition, a quest for power, materialism and all the ingredients that have contributed to our current state of world affairs. You may ask, what can I do? I am just one individual in the midst of a system that is greater than the sum of it’s parts.  And, what does this have to do with building family relationships? Glad you asked.

After the birth of my third son, I soon realized that I needed to be proactive, as well as creative, in combating the competitive, one-upmanship nature of boys.  When my sons were early school age, I designed a kindness board which was used to reinforce Acts of Kindness toward one another, including Mom and Dad. Visitors loved the idea and I can only say, now that my children are grown, that the greatest compliment that I have received as they were growing up was that I have “really nice kids.” In today’s world, that says quite a bit.

Imagine teaching your children, from a very early age, a way to feel good every day.  How, by one simple act, they can make someone else smile, even if they do not know them, and feel good by doing so.  Showing them that being kind to others is like a BIG HUG with your heart.

  As parents, it is easy to get caught up in encouraging the competitive side of your child. Isn’t it all about winning? Whether in soccer at 6 or being voted class president or ranking high as a High School senior to get into the best college, the message is the same.  I will never forget the time that my youngest son was nine years old and playing goalie at a state soccer competition. The coach gave the kids a “pep talk” during half time about the fact that there can be only one winner. My heart hurt thinking of the pressure on my son and the other team members.

As the world reinforces the importance of competition and winning, many parents fail to pay enough attention to our “kinder” side. Kindness is one of those traits that we “assume” our children will have but do not give teaching it enough attention. If only we could, each and every one of us, realize and actively reinforce the value of kindness, imagine the possibilities.

 Building kindness into your family value system will result in more warmth and caring within your family and enable children to take this extremely important value with them when they grow up and create their own lives.

This is the time to pass on the message of the amazing power of Random Acts of Kindness and its value as the greatest gift from the heart. The best part is that it doesn’t even cost anything!

RESILIENCY & TRANSITIONS = TRANSFORMATIONS

RESILIENCY

REFLECT>>>REGROUP>>>RESOLVE

Reflections: I am in a time of change. I feel the “endings” more acutely right now and the beginnings are in the distance, blurring and not yet defined.

Regroup: I know that change is coming and am ready to welcome it. I must work on being more patient and enjoy what each day holds. When the sadness comes, RESPECT it. These are opportunities to LEARN how to take care of myself.

Resolve: I will feel stronger and less needy as I acknowledge my emotions and give them the time to pass and fade away. It only takes a moment of change for that to happen. Believe in that moment. Know that moment will come, if not now then when you need it.

CREATIVE CHALLENGE: Try this exercise yourself and let us know how it goes. GET INSPIRED!!

WHOSES SHOES DO I CHOOSE?

SHOES WITH A PURPOSE

DRESS SHOES fall in this category. Those are the ones that look good for an event but are not usually comfortable. By the end of the occasion, you are dying to take them off and are inevitably left with a reminder (typically in the form of a blister or calf pain) of their purpose. However, you repeat this for the next event while enduring the consequences.

These shoes are analogous to the roles we play and tasks that are part of our “must do” list.

SHOES AS A SYMBOL

Shoes, such as soccer cleats, ballet shoes, etc represent to the world "who we are". Even though the size changes, they remail a symbol of how we would like the world to view us.

As in life, our outward appearance, conveys a message but, be watchful, people may make assumptions about who you are on the inside and miss the true you.

THE PROCESS OF CHANGE - NEW SHOES, OLD SHOES

New Shoes are selected only after a few short minutes trying them on in the store. Despite the hope of a perfect fit, the process typically becomes one of “breaking them in.” Like in life, we are on a path that we hope is the right one. But, to really find this "perfect fit" we must persevere, be flexible and learn to cope with change. Sometimes,our “favorites” become worn out, or outgrown. We then must begin the process of change again and embrace the possibilities as we look toward the next set of new shoes.

GAINING PERSPECTIVE

I am turning "50" this month. I find myself being somewhere between the past and the future.
New roles to embrace and new paths to explore, on the one hand, and  readjusting to changes in the wonderful family bonds that  have been created over so many years.

Letting go of the familiar and venturing into the unknown can be both sad and scary, It is not the Mid Life Crisis our mothers experienced. It is a new and challenging one for women today. I am not even sure I would call it a "crisis." How would you define it?

For me, I believe in the power of change to help us define and redefine all that we most value and strive for.
I will embrace this journey with all of my heart and soul because it is uniquely mine. WILL YOU?

Look at it as  an invitation, not a commandment.

We invite responses from our readers to learn more about  what turning middle age means to you.

INSPIRATION AND FOOD FOR THOUGHT

WHOSE SHOES?

Take a minute and think of the amazing number of shoes one wears in a lifetime. Whether you are six, twenty-six or eighty-six, our experience with shoes is the perfect metaphor for life.

There are those shoes that you are forced to wear due to circumstances. I would put dress shoes in that category. Those are the ones that look good and fit for the event but are not usually comfortable. Typically, by the end of the occasion, you are dying to take them off and they inevitably leave their mark (typically in the form of a blister or calf pain) but have served a purpose. We do it again and again for the “bigger picture” while enduring the repeated consequences.

These shoes are analogous to the many roles we play and tasks that are part of our “must do” list.  They serve a purpose despite the inconveniences that come with the job.

Shoes with a purpose such as soccer or ballet shoes help define you. They are apart of our imagination and creative self (analogous to childhood “dress up”). These shoes are special because they represent something you love and hold dear in your heart. Even though you must change sizes over time, they are all the same – a symbol of who you are and what you dream to be (unless you are forced to do it, in which case, this falls into a different category).

New Shoes are an interesting category. We hope, from the few short minutes trying them on in the store, that they will be comfortable from the start. Probably less often than one would expect, this is the case. Typically, it is more a process which requires “breaking them in.” Like in life, you continue to work on this but must be committed to seeing it through. In many cases, these become your “favorites” and you never imagine not wearing them.  However, with time, you outgrow them and must move on to a new pair of shoes and begin the process again. These “new shoes” represent our growth and change over time.

Old shoes can be more complicated.  If you have had them for a long time and are endeared to them, giving them up (actually throwing them away) can feel like a loss.
There are times when we are forced to separate from the things we love in life and must grieve on some level to be able to move on. Alternatively, we may box these shoes in the back of our closet, never to be worn again but somehow holding on to them (and the memories they represent).

So, whose shoes are you wearing today? Is the fit right or should you throw them away?
How do you choose? 
At least, take them off and wiggle your toes in the sand.
Give yourself permission to try on a new brand.

SEEING THE LIGHT!!

I learned many lessons growing up about being responsible, working hard and doing my best. My parents, like most parents in that generation, had a strong work ethic and dealt with problems by either sweep things under the rug or fixing them.

I don't recall many lessons that embraced the idea of "being in the moment." Children seize the moment all the time through play and creative thinking. When my children were small, I loved to play with them and become apart of the creative world of their (and my) imagination.

So what happens when your children grow up? Where do we, as middle age adults, find ways to cherish each moment?  How can we learn to empower ourselves and inspire our children as they grow into adulthood to see each experience, bad or good, as an opportunity to grow. For me, I have found these teachings and "life philosophy" through a spiritual journey. WHERE CAN YOU FIND YOURS?

Some ideas to consider:

BREAKING IT DOWN

 Life seems to be plagued with stresses, challenges and expectations. In our world today, it feels like this pressure cooker is imposed on our children at a younger and younger age. My 17 year old son recently got a job for the summer. After two weeks, he came home and said "this is not working for me." It would have been easy to fall into the trap of giving my "parental advice" on how it is important to work and he should earn some money, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ... Instead, I engaged him in the process of better defining what parts of the job he didn't like and we talked about alternative ways of dealing with this. End result, I hope he has gotten the message that his feelings are valued and he should trust his gut reactions and not discount them whatever the final solution will be.

TAKING RISKS

Demands for success-financial and otherwise-can easily dictate how we behave. For me, taking risks was always associated with anxiety and fear of failure. In recent years, I have focused on learning  to embrace risks as opportunities and redirect my energy on the process of  "stepping out of the box" rather than the outcome.  You will be surprised the joys and fun you can have when you let go of the anxiety.

LETTING GO

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! When your thinking is positive, your actions can follow. I have come to appreciate that the small things that may bother me are not worth using my energy for. Often it takes a crisis to help people put things into perspective. I work toward having that perspective all the time.
Appreciate and be grateful for the positive things that surround you-they may be as simple as a sunny day or seeing the moon in the morning sky. I believe the expression is "Smell the Roses." Without saying a word, we can teach our children this invaluable way of thinking and living through modeling this and making this part of who we are (or are becoming).

JUST SHOW UP

We have coined that phrase in my family to mean-you never know what opportunities are available if you don't seize the moment. Plus, having a open mind and less expectations invites something valuable into your life even if you do not realize it at the time.

JUST BECAUSE YOUR EYES ARE OPEN, DOESN"T MEAN YOU SEE

About a month ago, I went on vacation to Italy. Perhaps it was because it was  "vacation", or it might have been the embracing nature of the Italian people, their culture and their surroundings but I felt like my spirit ran free. Though I tried to hold onto that feeling upon return home, somehow life hits you like a  brick wall and reality sets in all too quickly. It must have been symbolic that I journaled every day to capture and hold on to that feeling but never finished the last entry on route home. Need I say more!

How do we get caught up so quickly in the web of life?

It feels like I spend the majority of my time and effort searching for the illusive dream of "happiness". I, at times, get caught in the notion that the more I work and the more successful I am , the better my life will be."  The problem with that thinking is that it does not define success nor does it ensure that my efforts will guarentee that this translates into happiness. And, my "TO DO" list just gets longer.

In my heart, I know that it is not the external forces that determine happiness but the internal ones.

Often, we attribute our stress and distress to circumstances. We think we don't have the time when, the truth is, we don't make the time. The time to appreciate all the little ways that we are so lucky in our lives and the many pieces that in total make our life uniquely our own.

I want to learn to cherish every moment and find the lesson that it makes available to me.  DON"T YOU?

My husband recently went for some diagnostic testing which required several hours of testing at the hospital. My first thought was perhaps my son could drive my husband and I would pick him up so I could get a few hours of work done. After, I quickly realized that I wanted to be there the whole time and go through this with him.. for him. Not only was he very appreciative but it also made me realize what it can mean to be there for someone when they really need it and to be in the moment together. Luckily we shared the good news about the test results and the day ended with a renewed sense of closeness.

THAT DAY I KNEW AND EMBRACED WHAT HAPPINESS FEELS LIKE FROM THIS LOVING ACT OF KINDNESS!

NOW, IT IS YOUR TURN TO GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE HOW IT FEELS.

STILL SEARCHING

I would like to believe we have not lost our creativity, our playfulness, our wishing on a star dreams but we have misplaced them. Not intentionally.  Instead, we have learned to feel doubt and anxiety.  We have been given a different script with some degree of misdirection. Whose to blame for this is not the question. How can we create our own new script, is the issue at hand.

Putting voice to these feelings may be the key to rediscovering that soul print.

CREATIVE CHALLENGE:
What is there to loss? And, there is everything to gain. Write a poem, sing a song, keep a journal-however it can get expressed, do it with your heart and soul. Here is mine:

The Perfect Cake

I was given a recipe for the perfect cake,
By whom, I do not know.

Perhaps it was not meant for me,
but simply there for show.

I took it as my own and tried my very best,
but, no matter how hard I tried,  I never passed the test.

I learned to change the recipe, it's different every time.
but, truth is, I do love it because it's truly mine.

This change has made the making more important than the cake,
It has made me more inspired to create not duplicate.

Soul Searching

As I sat in the waiting room for my medical appt, I could not help but notice the play castle on the floor. There were no children present, though the images of children engrossed in their make believe stories and mothers cajoling them to leave , despite their protests, were vividly alive to me. This castle happened to be one of my childrens’ favorites which may be why I noticed it to begin with.

With a pang (or maybe even an ache) of nostalgia, I thought back to the innumerable times I would sit and play with my children for hours. It was a sad thought because that period of life is so far in the past. I truly enjoyed that part of parenting – “playing just for the fun of it” and allowing your imagination to soar along with your childs'.

So, where does that side of us go when we become grown ups? Is it only available to tap into when playing with a child? I laughed at the thought of my sitting on the floor and playing with the castle by myself. You can only imagine the reactions I would get!

We have become so caught up with the final product, the outcome and consequences that we have lost the ability to enjoy the moment and cherish the process itself. The question that we need to ask is, “how do we as adults harness that creative part of ourselves”? Where do we get support for that?

Though we each need to find our own answers  to these questions, I would like to share where I have begun to search. There are increasing numbers of books on following your “soul print” (called many things)- your spirit, your path or whatever  you might want to call it.

CREATIVE CHALLENGE

Find your questions! [What do I really love, what makes me feel good, if only I could.......how would that change my life?]

THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS IS EMBRACING THE QUESTIONS RATHER THAN FOCUSING ON  THE ANSWERS

WHO OR HOW CAN YOU BE SUPPORTED IN YOUR JOURNEY? Think of it as a new adventure- a vacation, in a sense. Who would you invite?

I RECENTLY SAW A WONDERFUL  AD THAT I WILL SHARE:

THIS IS YOUR TICKET:

INSTRUCTIONS: USE YOUR IMAGINATION 

RULES :YOU DEFINE THE RULES!

 

There are  several  book titles that I have found wonderfully support and empowering of getting back in touch with the energy that we have locked inside us. For many, this energy has become so buried that you do not even recognize that it is there.

• Finding Your Way Home by Melody Beattie
• The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav
• Soul Prints by Marc Gafni

 

NEW REFLECTIONS

4/5/08

It feels wonderful to begin blogging again. I hope the insights, inspirations, and learning opportunities of my journey help you in yours.

On reflection, since last I wrote, I question what has changed. It is easy to automatically think of all the things that have not been accomplished. Instead, I would rather evaluate what has.

I feel stronger, clearly and more peaceful when I compare my internal self to over a year ago. Although things have not all gone as planned, it is O.K. (REALLY TRULY IN MY HEART O.K.). I am learning the value of letting go and trusting that what comes to me is what I need to have in my life. It gives me direction and a sense of security regardless of the outcome.

The question is not whether it is “good or bad” but rather “how can I best use this to continue to follow my “soul print” –my path. Going down the road of “why” or placing blame only drains your energy. I continually reflect on ways to infuse my spirit to be strong, brave and move forward with  “acceptance not anxiety.”

We usually take time to think about our past year and goals for the future around the New Year. I propose doing this more often, much the way we get “tune ups” on our cars. Those of you that are in business know that it is recommended that you do a quarterly analysis to evaluate thoroughly your current status, assess where you are and where you would like to go.  From this, you can modify your next steps and define or redefine your goals. Why not apply this same practice to your personal and emotional goals?

Å business cannot be successful, if we are not feeling that way. We bring our “heart and soul” to our professional and personal lives. By keeping an ongoing journal or written diary, we can remember more details, not just those that are most recent, and look at things over time. Brings a very different perspective to light.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED OVER THIS TIME:

1) The more rules you make, the more rules you have to break.

Practice postponing setting rules to see if your gut feeling remains the same on an issue. Make sure the rules are YOURS and not someone else’s that you have adopted because you should, or it is expected of you by someone else or you can’t find your own rules. Keep looking!
2) Talk Less, Think with your heart more

I am learning to hold on to feelings in a good way. As I give them time to percolate, they often resolve themselves. If I pay close enough attention to them, I become clearer in my head about what they mean, where they are coming from and how to deal with them. Connecting with your feelings is a gift that you deserve and can embrace. You can choose to be afraid of your feelings or discount them or not.
If you don’t care about your feelings, why should other people?

3) PRACTISE KINDNESS DAILY- IT MAKES LIFE SO MUCH SWEETER.

The more I reach out to others with a kind, compassionate heart, the more I gain.
More importantly, when I do it with a conscious awareness that it is not about what I get back, the better I feel. Imagine what the world would be like if we all did this. Try doing a random act of kindness and see how it feels. You have gained something and have given to someone else. Hold on to that feeling – it will be a motivator to do it again.
KINDNESS COUNTS, BANK ON IT!

I will leave you with a wonderful thought that I just read on a waffle ad.
INSTRUCTIONS: USE YOUR IMAGINATION

I will add that to my new set of goals!

CHANGE IS GONNA DO YOU GOOD"

I think that people are by nature "creatures of habit. " We get comfortable in things that are familiar and sometimes confuse this with happiness.
In my experience as a therapist, it is only when you are uncomfortable that the motivation for change kicks in. The more uncomfortable, the more motivated you are to change.

I would propose that is it through change that we experience new and  different things which are invaluable to our growth and personal actualization.  How can that be good, you might wonder, if change feels so unsettling. 

First of all, when we experience a contrast, often things stand out more clearly. A simple example, spend a day not eating and see how much you enjoy your next meal. Likewise, if it rains for days on end. the first sunny day feels incredibly wonderful.

It is often not easy to perceive change  as positive when the change is a result of something out of our control. Times like these can certainly cause anxiety, fear and sadness.

But, I am referring to changes that you initiate. These  changes can be a way to open up new doors and allow for a different  perspective.  Here is a  small, simple example. This morning, I reversed the route that I typically run. It is amazing to see how different the trail looked from the opposite direction. I would have missed that !

I have also recently attempted to promote new friendships which has felt very rewarding. It is so easy to get complacent and not even realize how much we are  missing.

Try it for yourself and see!

Change also forces us to be challenged and ,with this, comes experience in problem solving,  developing  creativity and promoting new ways of thinking. All invaluable skills for the times when "change " kicks us in the butt and takes us for a loop.

As wise Dr Seuss wrote so eloquently in "Oh, The Places You'll Go"

OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! ...You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

Except when you don't. Because, sometimes, you won't. I'm sorry to say ...that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you. ....Just be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act.

So, go for it! What are you waiting for??