The Kindness Tree

How To Make Someone's Day

HOW TO MAKE SOMEONE’S DAY AND BUILD FAMILY BONDS

Our world is filled with competition, a quest for power, materialism and all the ingredients that have contributed to our current state of world affairs. You may ask, what can I do? I am just one individual in the midst of a system that is greater than the sum of it’s parts.  And, what does this have to do with building family relationships? Glad you asked.

After the birth of my third son, I soon realized that I needed to be proactive, as well as creative, in combating the competitive, one-upmanship nature of boys.  When my sons were early school age, I designed a kindness board which was used to reinforce Acts of Kindness toward one another, including Mom and Dad. Visitors loved the idea and I can only say, now that my children are grown, that the greatest compliment that I have received as they were growing up was that I have “really nice kids.” In today’s world, that says quite a bit.

Imagine teaching your children, from a very early age, a way to feel good every day.  How, by one simple act, they can make someone else smile, even if they do not know them, and feel good by doing so.  Showing them that being kind to others is like a BIG HUG with your heart.

  As parents, it is easy to get caught up in encouraging the competitive side of your child. Isn’t it all about winning? Whether in soccer at 6 or being voted class president or ranking high as a High School senior to get into the best college, the message is the same.  I will never forget the time that my youngest son was nine years old and playing goalie at a state soccer competition. The coach gave the kids a “pep talk” during half time about the fact that there can be only one winner. My heart hurt thinking of the pressure on my son and the other team members.

As the world reinforces the importance of competition and winning, many parents fail to pay enough attention to our “kinder” side. Kindness is one of those traits that we “assume” our children will have but do not give teaching it enough attention. If only we could, each and every one of us, realize and actively reinforce the value of kindness, imagine the possibilities.

 Building kindness into your family value system will result in more warmth and caring within your family and enable children to take this extremely important value with them when they grow up and create their own lives.

This is the time to pass on the message of the amazing power of Random Acts of Kindness and its value as the greatest gift from the heart. The best part is that it doesn’t even cost anything!

WHO MAKES THE RULES: PARENTS OR KIDS?

    In retrospect, it seems so clear to me who was in charge when my children were young . I  was very comfortable disciplining as long as I identified the problem and was clear on the rationale for my disciplinary actions. Perhaps, time has blurred my vision. I don't doubt that. Things always seem easier when you no longer need to worry about them.

Making decisons for my children now that are ages 14 and 17 is less clear. When should you  allow them the freedom to make their own choices?  The stakes seem higher now. I would like to tell my story in the form of a letter to my son.

I wish I knew the best thing to do for you. On the one hand, I know you are capable of doing anything you put your mind to and succeeding at that. All your teachers have always said the same thing: "you do not work up to your potential." I can only wonder why? I believe it has something to do with your fear of not living up to external expectations. There is a very real component to that.  I try not to get caught up with mandating
and judging you based on those external expectations (societal, educational and, of course, parental) but the reality is the external parameters , such as school grades, dictate your future choices.

The hardest thing a parent must do is watch their child learn through their mistakes and consequently feel hurt, disappointment and a sense of failure. I would do anything to protect you from that but I know that is not possible nor in your best interest. So, I continue to contemplate what I can to do support  you.? How can I let you know how much I  believe in you? 

The road must be yours to follow, the questions yours to ask, as well as answer, and the rules must be ones you ultimately define for yourself.  I can only hope that my actions during this time in your life- a time of discovery and transitions- communicate clearly to you my support and my faith in you. I hope that you will let me in on those struggles.  Not so I can fix them, but so that you do not have to deal with them alone or hide them from us. Now and always, I would like to be part of your journey as a cushion to fall on and a audience to applaud your successes.

I will continue to work on better understanding you and respecting you for the incredible person you are.
I hope, when you look back on this stage,  in the future,  you are glad that I was your
mother.

ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THE M.O.B?

TALES OF RAISING THE SAME SEX CHILDREN

Dear Reader,

After my third son was born, I often heard the comment that 'NOW, I WAS TRULY THE QUEEN".
These individuals most certainly did not have all boys.
While I would agree that I hold a unique role in my family - the promoter of feelings, supporter of communication, kindness, consideration and cooperation - I think that is just me and  I would be the same had I not had all boys.

As for the '"QUEEN" - perhaps they meant QUEEN WORKER BEE.

Imagine a volleyball game in which I am on one side and my three sons and husband are on the other side. That is a better portrayal.
When my sons were younger, I would joke that I thought I was becoming a mother but instead became a sergeant in training. Alas, that is when I coined the phrase M.O.B (Mothers of Boys) as it so fits the tough and strong character that one must have when raising boys.
Now that my sons are all in their teenage years (ages "almost" 12, 16 and 19), I often feel more like I am in the mens locker room. My youngest son has moved into the phase of belching at the dinner table and needing to debate any and everything we discuss, my middle son can jump from lovingly playing around and roughing up my youngest son one minute  to being critical and bossy the next ,  and my oldest son enjoys making side jokes about all that we do (which usually but not always) keeps us laughing.

But, M.O.B. members take heart! I recently listened as my husband and kids were eating dinner while I was in the other room working and heard my middle son say, "Can't  you all be civilized and have a nice conversation" - the very words I often espouse. So, maybe I have made a difference!

For a wonderful book with insights into the roles women play and our incredible potential,

read:  WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK by Dr. Linda Austin

Signed A PROUD MEMBER OF THE M.O.B.

P.S. Write back and tell us your story. Raising all boys or all girls is a unique opportunity that we must have been destined for, so we might as well learn from it!

ENJOY THE CHALLENGE COURSE OR RUN FROM THE LANDMINES

Many parents might compare  living with  adolescent children to traveling through a field of landmines.
I prefer to think of it more like an interesting  Ropes Challenge Course.

The key to remember is that each challenge is different, just like each child is different. Also, the rules must apply to the particular task with enough flexibility to adapt and change course, as needed.
There is a hugh difference between my 13 year old, my 15 year old and my 19 year old and I have to adjust my approach with each one. Also, maybe even more importantly, the way you approach the challenge has alot to do with your success.

Some examples to illustrate.

My soon to be 16 year old son went to Basketball camp last summer and, as he had never been there before, came without any provisions while other kids came loaded with sodas, snacks, you name it.
This summer, with the memory fresh in both our minds, we vowed to be prepared. He had plenty of snacks and planned to take water bottles and drinks. I suggested he take a carton of waters to share with some poor soul whose guilt ridden mother may have forgotten. He preferred to  only take a few in his bag but I persisted in my push for the whole cartoon. Sure enough, I woke this morning after he was gone only to find the cartoon sitting where we left it and not one bottle missing. So much for the water!
He also vowed that he was all prepared last night, To his credit, he did pack himself  and took care of things well but, of course, woke me at 5:30 to sign one more form. I just had to laugh!

This summer has also been an interesting transition for my 19 year old son who has just finished his first year of college out of town. I have to continue to strattle the line between respecting his autonomy and defining what is comfortable for me to live with. I have also had to work hard to convey my need for some family bonding and my desire for connection without making it an expectation and "mandatory" behavior. You never quite know whether he will be the old Jason, joking and comfortable,  or the  "guest" at our "boarding"  house. It is only with much self reflection and conscious thinking can I travel the road with him and not compromise our relationship. Bottom line, he has ever right to be where he is so I better adjust and respect it. As long as  we can keep joking and talking honestly about it all, we will be just fine.

Last but not least, there is my 12 year old son. He has blossomed almost overnight or at least it feels this way)  into the stage of parent "deafness", selective listening and  negotiating til he is blue in the face. He has learned to persist in asking for things he wants until you turn blue in the face.  With him,  I must be careful not to give in just for a moment of peace and to continue to hold firm on my expectations. If any of you have a 12 year old, you know what it is like.  It is critical to be very clear and have tremendous patience when they continue to try and change what you say or think or decide. Never fear, this too  shall pass!!

Personally, I am enjoying the ride on the adolescent train. I have always been very honest and direct with my kids and I think this has allowed us to weather these waters with love, humor and connection.

LANDMARKS AND LANDMINES ON THE PARENTING HIGHWAY

We all have those "MOMENTS" that become crystalized in our minds that are our own unique milestones as a parent.
An early one for me was when I just brought my first son home from the hospital and, while changing his diaper, he pooped and peeped simultaneously all over me. I can still vividly remember the moment as  I laughed over the realization that I was now officially indoctrinated into my role as mother.

Another one was when my second son was born. After months of worrying that I could never love another child as much as I did my first, they brought him to me in the hospital and he immediately curled up in my arms like a sweet precious kitten and, in that instance, all of my fears melted away.

I had another "MOMENT" yesterday. My youngest son (age 12) returned from his first time at sleep away camp. He left barely being able to lift, let alone carry, his large backpack which was almost as big as he is. He returned carrying that backpack on his back while holding several other possesions like a little man who had seen the world, conquered it and was here to tell his story.

Was it possible that he had grown in two weeks? He seemed taller, and older and had an air about him that said clearly he had gone through a "growing up" experience. At that moment, I knew that while he may have left "my little boy", I had better be ready for who he was now. Luckily, I captured that moment with a picture though it will be forever etched in my mind.

I had another  "MOMENT" late last night when I woke up at 2:00a.m. to find my 19 year old son watching T.V. when I knew he had to go to work at 6:00 a.m. I gingerly asked if he was going to bed and he abruptly answered soon. I would call this a "landmine" moment. A moment  when you are faced with the decision to act like a mother and treat your 19 year old son like a child or turn around and go to sleep giving him the freedom to be who he wants to be. But, that is another story to be continued ..........

LIFE THROUGH A KALEIDOSCOPE

How it is that days and weeks seem to drag on forever and the years fly by?

My husband and oldest son took my youngest son (age 12) to sleep away camp yesterday for a 2 week stay. This is the first time he will be away from home this long. I miss him so much more than I had expected. After all, he is my third child and you would think by now I would be used to these type of changes.

O.K., I know what your thinking- “EMPTY NEST SYNDROME, MID LIFE CRISIS,
A SERIOUS DOSE OF PMS”. While it is probably a mixture of all these things, that is not the point of this story.

The funny part is that my oldest son went to this very camp at the same age and the experience was totally different. We planned and prepared in anticipation of his going and experienced this as a “major life event”, typical of what parents feel with their first child. In fact, he received so many letters from our family (immediate and extended) that he won the award for this at the end of camp. With Scott, we were lucky to get all of his stuff packed up in time. My have we become jaded!

But, now that he is gone, the feelings seem much stronger. Somehow, I think we all assume that he will be here as “the little one” forever though he is years more mature than his age and ready to spread his wings (what else could he be with two older brothers to model).  Even our dog seems sad.

I continue to think about how the moments slip away and, suddenly, want to hold onto each and every one of them before they are gone. This makes me cry which is always a telltale sign that it is true.

Isn’t life kind of like a kaleidoscope -you quickly turn the viewer to see what’s next but sometimes miss the beauty of each individual pattern.

The bright side to the story is that we will surely miss him more than he will miss home which is how it should be.  M y middle son and I also got to spend the weekend just the two of us. We bonded over Chinese food and a movie. We shared taking care of the dog.
In fact, I think we had a moment where we just held the kaleidoscope still and enjoyed what we saw.

THE ART OF TRULY GREAT MOTHERING

My friend shared a story with me that we all can relate to about one of the tricky challenges of motherhood as our kids grow up.

She had tried to “support” her son, a High School senior, right before the Final Soccer Championship Game by reminding him to not be too disappointed if they lost.
His response was an ANGRY “WHY CAN’T YOU EVER BE POSITIVE!”

Baffled, she wondered what she did wrong and affirmed to me her  “good” intentions. She was only trying to protect him from disappointment, what was so wrong in that?

My response to her was to go out there with her “pom poms” and cheer her heart out.

The real challenge in parenting a child, especially an adolescent, is to figure out what they need by being sensitive to who they are and knowing what approach works best for that particular child.

I learned, over time, that my oldest son needed a “push” to challenge himself to take risks and venture into the unknown.  I could be honest and direct even in pointing out his shortcomings, and this was always useful motivation for him.
In contrast, “pushing” my middle son, who is much more sensitive and quick to hear feedback as criticism, would only push him away. With him, I had to adopt a gentler and less directive approach. For him, talking when he was not receptive to listening was truly counterproductive.

.    As parents, especially mothers, we have an innate need to protect our children and sometimes, though well intentioned, this mission leads to our demise (or at least compromises our relationship with them).

Instead, we need to reframe our protectiveness and help them learn to deal with the pains of life. As difficult as this may be for our self worth as a mother, our real goal should be to teach them to live without us and feel PROUD that we did.

WE ALL NEED A DOSE OF TLC (Tender Loving Care)

    Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst headache I had ever had. When  my  usual efforts left me with no relief and it only got worse, I woke my husband. While  thoughts of rushing to the ER due to a brain hemmorage ran through my mind, he kindly attempted to nurse me with hot compreses, a new dose of Ibuprophen and comforting words.
    As I lie there suffering,  tears rolling down my face, I thought back to the time recently that my 12 year old son woke me up in the middle of the night due to a bad headache. (it is "allergy" season here in the south, by the way) and I told him to take some aspirin and try to go back to sleep.

All night, last night, I could not get this thought out of my head . I kept thinking to myself,
"What happened to the days of  rushing up in the middle of the night to care for my sick child?". 

Now that I am feeling better,  my  rational side can justify that he is older now, and it was something he could do himself.  But, after  last night, I was STRONGLY REMINDED that we are never too old to be mothered and sometimes, for whatever reason, we all need a dose of TLC.

    When he returns from school today (I even slept through getting everyone going this morning which is unheard of), I will tell him that "I am sorry"  for that night and  will promise to get up next time he needs me in the middle of the night, no matter what.

GROWN UPS ~ THIS ONE'S FOR YOU

IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH : KINDNESS IS NOT JUST FOR KIDS


CREATIVE CHALLENGE

Think about the times that you have said to your self “that is not a very nice person.”
Now, how many times have you thought of someone and said “what a nice person he/she is!”

So, which happens more often? I can bet the answer is the first one.

The point is, How can  kids be kind if they do not have good role models to show them the way?

Remember the famous poem “Children Learn What They Live.”

So, I leave you with this

The Best and Most Beautiful things in the World cannot be Seen or even Touched.
They must be Felt with the Heart
Helen Keller