The Kindness Tree

SEEING THE LIGHT!!

I learned many lessons growing up about being responsible, working hard and doing my best. My parents, like most parents in that generation, had a strong work ethic and dealt with problems by either sweep things under the rug or fixing them.

I don't recall many lessons that embraced the idea of "being in the moment." Children seize the moment all the time through play and creative thinking. When my children were small, I loved to play with them and become apart of the creative world of their (and my) imagination.

So what happens when your children grow up? Where do we, as middle age adults, find ways to cherish each moment?  How can we learn to empower ourselves and inspire our children as they grow into adulthood to see each experience, bad or good, as an opportunity to grow. For me, I have found these teachings and "life philosophy" through a spiritual journey. WHERE CAN YOU FIND YOURS?

Some ideas to consider:

BREAKING IT DOWN

 Life seems to be plagued with stresses, challenges and expectations. In our world today, it feels like this pressure cooker is imposed on our children at a younger and younger age. My 17 year old son recently got a job for the summer. After two weeks, he came home and said "this is not working for me." It would have been easy to fall into the trap of giving my "parental advice" on how it is important to work and he should earn some money, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ... Instead, I engaged him in the process of better defining what parts of the job he didn't like and we talked about alternative ways of dealing with this. End result, I hope he has gotten the message that his feelings are valued and he should trust his gut reactions and not discount them whatever the final solution will be.

TAKING RISKS

Demands for success-financial and otherwise-can easily dictate how we behave. For me, taking risks was always associated with anxiety and fear of failure. In recent years, I have focused on learning  to embrace risks as opportunities and redirect my energy on the process of  "stepping out of the box" rather than the outcome.  You will be surprised the joys and fun you can have when you let go of the anxiety.

LETTING GO

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! When your thinking is positive, your actions can follow. I have come to appreciate that the small things that may bother me are not worth using my energy for. Often it takes a crisis to help people put things into perspective. I work toward having that perspective all the time.
Appreciate and be grateful for the positive things that surround you-they may be as simple as a sunny day or seeing the moon in the morning sky. I believe the expression is "Smell the Roses." Without saying a word, we can teach our children this invaluable way of thinking and living through modeling this and making this part of who we are (or are becoming).

JUST SHOW UP

We have coined that phrase in my family to mean-you never know what opportunities are available if you don't seize the moment. Plus, having a open mind and less expectations invites something valuable into your life even if you do not realize it at the time.

Letting Go of Your Kids without Lossing Them

As parents, we all face moments when we must decide how to handle  our children's attempts to assert their independence. Separations begin when our little ones attempt their first steps, when they go off to their first school experience and continue as they assert themselves and align with their peers during adolescense.

We are faced with important decisions about how we will respond to these changes. These choices define both who we are and how our children will experience these transitions.

I was faced with one such challenge this summer which will remain a vivid memory forever.
My 19 year old son fell in love for the first time as a senior in High School. They parted to go to different colleges far apart from each other and her family moved to another state which left the liklihood of them seeing each other slim. The relationship appeared to end given the circumstances (or so I assumed).
They began to communicate again over the spring though I did not know this until much later as my son choose to not tell me.

We had openly discussed  my opinion that he was just beginning to learn about love and relationships and that I felt that it was too early to become seriously involved with someone. While he did not disagree with this in theory, his heart told him otherwise. It fondly reminded me of the days when "love conquered all" and I felt for his dilemma.

The real test came when he approached me over the second half of the summer to say she was coming to
visit Charleston to see friends and, most importantly, him. I was shot me in the heart when he told me that he thought to just not tell us about this visit and, so, avoid any conflict. I was taken back to think he would consider keeping this a secret as our relationship has always been and still is very close.

That was the moment of truth. How I would handle this would define how much I would allow him the space and freedom to make his own decisions and show my respect for him as a separate person. The fact is  I trust him and admire him for his good judgment, maturity and true desire to be close as a family. Most importantly, I wanted him to not regret telling me the truth.
To make a long story short, I supported him by not imparting my own judgements and being open and allowing him the freedom to explore his world and this relationship.

He was so grateful and thankful (and so incredibly happy)  that it touched my heart. I knew that I had made the right decsion. In the end, it really doesn't matter what happens. What matters is that his memory will be of a family who loves him dearly and cares enough to give him the freedom and support to make his own decisions, to live his life and learn from it. I would like to remember this as "A GIFT FROM THE HEART"

ENJOY THE CHALLENGE COURSE OR RUN FROM THE LANDMINES

Many parents might compare  living with  adolescent children to traveling through a field of landmines.
I prefer to think of it more like an interesting  Ropes Challenge Course.

The key to remember is that each challenge is different, just like each child is different. Also, the rules must apply to the particular task with enough flexibility to adapt and change course, as needed.
There is a hugh difference between my 13 year old, my 15 year old and my 19 year old and I have to adjust my approach with each one. Also, maybe even more importantly, the way you approach the challenge has alot to do with your success.

Some examples to illustrate.

My soon to be 16 year old son went to Basketball camp last summer and, as he had never been there before, came without any provisions while other kids came loaded with sodas, snacks, you name it.
This summer, with the memory fresh in both our minds, we vowed to be prepared. He had plenty of snacks and planned to take water bottles and drinks. I suggested he take a carton of waters to share with some poor soul whose guilt ridden mother may have forgotten. He preferred to  only take a few in his bag but I persisted in my push for the whole cartoon. Sure enough, I woke this morning after he was gone only to find the cartoon sitting where we left it and not one bottle missing. So much for the water!
He also vowed that he was all prepared last night, To his credit, he did pack himself  and took care of things well but, of course, woke me at 5:30 to sign one more form. I just had to laugh!

This summer has also been an interesting transition for my 19 year old son who has just finished his first year of college out of town. I have to continue to strattle the line between respecting his autonomy and defining what is comfortable for me to live with. I have also had to work hard to convey my need for some family bonding and my desire for connection without making it an expectation and "mandatory" behavior. You never quite know whether he will be the old Jason, joking and comfortable,  or the  "guest" at our "boarding"  house. It is only with much self reflection and conscious thinking can I travel the road with him and not compromise our relationship. Bottom line, he has ever right to be where he is so I better adjust and respect it. As long as  we can keep joking and talking honestly about it all, we will be just fine.

Last but not least, there is my 12 year old son. He has blossomed almost overnight or at least it feels this way)  into the stage of parent "deafness", selective listening and  negotiating til he is blue in the face. He has learned to persist in asking for things he wants until you turn blue in the face.  With him,  I must be careful not to give in just for a moment of peace and to continue to hold firm on my expectations. If any of you have a 12 year old, you know what it is like.  It is critical to be very clear and have tremendous patience when they continue to try and change what you say or think or decide. Never fear, this too  shall pass!!

Personally, I am enjoying the ride on the adolescent train. I have always been very honest and direct with my kids and I think this has allowed us to weather these waters with love, humor and connection.

PARENTING TEENAGERS : WHAT IS YOUR REALITY?

TAKE NOTHING FOR GRANTED!

My oldest son, now 19,  coined the expression "it could always be worse" and has used it for years now whenever  he sees that I am stressed. I have come to appreciate both his effort and the thought itself which is a great source of comfort in it's simplistic wisdom.

I was just searching the  blogosphere directory for other webblogs on parenting teenagers and was dismayed by the number of  blogs that have only harsh and negative things to say about being the parent of teenagers. HOW SAD!

CREATIVE CHALLENGE;

Accept the pain, cherish the joys, resolve the regrets: then can come the best of benedictions-"If I had my life to live over, I'd do it all the same."  Joan McIntosh,

American Writer

Personally, I love my kids and still love and admire them at ages 19, 15 and 12. Challenging, sometimes, yes but it is all the way you look at things and choose to handle them. Maybe I am just lucky but I like to think that good parenting makes for good kids. I have taken the time and effort to be the best parent I can be which has meant searching my soul and admitting my weaknesses and being open to change.

As a family therapist, I repeatedly saw that it was easier for parents to criticize their kids and place blame than to  look at ourselves up close and  take responsibility for their part in how their family turns out.

My 19 year old and I had a recent conversation about his life as a freshman in college this past year and the transition coming home for the summer.
He very honestly and sincerely brought to my attention that I am always reminding him how lucky he is like his family and want to be home but fail to mention how lucky we are to have such great kids.

He is absolutely right. Not that I take this for granted but, obviously, I do not make it a point to let them know. Thanks, Jas, I  will be sure to let you guys  know how lucky I am to have you!

To leave you with a thought
If  I were to begin life again, I should want it as it were. I would only open my eyes a little more.... Jules Renard, French Writer